As we get older, things can start to change. As adult children support their loved ones during the aging process, it becomes increasingly difficult to navigate our own feelings of being their child, while recognizing in some cases we have to now be the “parent”.
We strive to support their autonomy and give them the ability to be as independent as possible, however when we start to see red flags and concerns, it’s time to have a deeper conversation.
The elephant in the room here, is that each aging adult is different, their needs are different and they are battling different challenges. If you have concerns about memory loss, it might be time to discuss those concerns with your parents’ physician. Todays tips are universal, however your physician might suggest a variety of methods to discuss memory loss and change.
The first thing when preparing to have a conversation about health and change with an aging adult is to get ourselves in the right mindset.
1) Watch your mindset
Lets talk about control
Senior Citizens, as well as most humans, appreciate being in control, No one wants to feel like someone is making decisions for them, without their consent. So our goal with this conversation is to attempt to keep our loved ones in the drivers seat as much as possible. If they are mentally sound, they will appreciate your intentional communication that doesn’t strip away their free will and choice.
Many adult children come into these conversations with their aging parents with a solution in hand, ready and prepared to share that with them. I’d like to challenge that thought process, (unless it’s a safety and Adult protective services concern) and focus your mind to not be in problem solving mode. We are trying to cultivate a conversation where we as helpers and adult children, listen more than we speak. We want to prepare ourselves to focus on hearing our loved one’s thoughts and ideas. And we want to remind ourselves to not judge. Your parents are wise, they have lived on this earth for many years. They have the right to share their ideas and thoughts.
Be mindful of your tone of voice during these conversations. We might attempt to not judge, however our tone of voice might come across judgmental. The more we can prepare ourselves to be open minded, aware that they are in control and supportive, the more that will come through in our tone of voice.
2) Be curious
The best way to start a conversation on aging, health and change is to become uber curious. Depending on your concerns, you can start conversations with simple prompts like….
“You’ve had a few falls recently, how have those made you feel?”
“You’ve mentioned your vision is changing, how have you been feeling about driving lately?”
“You’ve lost some weight recently, how are you feeling?”
The point of these prompts is to share our topic of concern, and then ask an open ended question.
After we’ve opened up the conversation, we can continue to be curious about THEIR ideas on the situation and change.
Some questions you might ask are:
“Have you been worried about anything lately?”
“What’s it been like to notice changes in yourself?”
“What ideas do you have to solve your own challenge?”
3) Listen…a lot
As adult children, we are younger, often busy, and are full of solutions to fix the challenge ahead of us. But us stepping in to grab the drivers wheel from our aging adults doesn’t help them explore their health & change, instead it creates more resistance.
So when we become curious, we have to stop and listen. Try some, “hmmm” and “tell me more about that” to your communication strategies. Our goal with being curious and then listening is to create a safe space where our loved ones can explore aging, health and change-without judgment or jumping to solutions.
Listening can be hard to do in our faced paced world, and it does take time. So remember to slow down and when you ask a question, to fully listen to their answer.
4) Get ready to empathize
There is a difference between empathy and sympathy. We often feel like we are empathizing with people, but it’s often sympathy we exude. I want you to tap into empathy, which means as your aging adult starts talking about their thoughts & feelings- try to FEEL what they are feeling. Put yourself in their shoes, try to see the world through their eyes. Resist any urge to judge and just try to feel what they are feeling.
Fear?
Worry?
When we can not just hear people talk about their feelings, but when we can sit beside them (not just physically, but emotionally) and feel what they feel-something magical happens. This moment makes a Senior citizen feel heard and understood, it breeds connection and trust.
We have to remember that although our lives are fast paced and busy, their lives used to be the same way. But now it’s slower, they are slower and they are facing their own mortality. Which is a huge pill to swallow. If we rush through their feelings, they will continue to avoid thinking about their life and legacy, which will slow down the discussion of change.
5) Ask for permission
As a helper and adult child we have entered into a conversation where we have suppressed our desire to problem solve, we have resisted the urge to judge, we have been curious, listened and tapped into our empathetic self to see the world through their eyes. Exhausted yet? If so-thats ok! We as humans don’t typically communicate this way, so it’s a mental exercise to do all that you’ve done! Pat yourself on the back and celebrate that you tried a new way of communicating about change.
You might be going, “I’ve got some great ideas, that I think can help!” Well guess what, you can share those-at the end of the conversation. After we’ve listened, after we’ve continued being curious, we can finally share our ideas.
But instead of blurting out your solution, I want you to slow down and ask for permission to share. This might sound like, “I’ve got a few ideas that might help, mind if I share them?” Or “Do you mind if I share a few ideas?”
After we ask for permission, we need to honor what they say. If they say, “no.” Nod your head and say, “ok.” Most likely they will say, “Yes”, which means we can share away.
However I want to remind you, that you are not driving this ship-they are. So keep your ideas short and use lean expression. At the end of sharing some ideas, you might say, “what are your thoughts on all that?”
The goal is to keep them in the drivers seat, we want them to know that we are partnering with them to help, rather than bulldozing over them with solutions.
6) Circle back
One of the largest challenges adult children face is the expectation that they will have this heartfelt conversation that might take longer than they want, and not come to a solution or close at the end.
That’s ok. It’s completely normal too.
I want you to think about your brains processing power when you were in high school or after graduation. You probably felt sharp, decisive and confident. Your brain would work FAST and efficiently, so it was easy to process new information and make decisions.
As we age, our processing speed slows down. Some faster or slower than others, but it slows over time. It’s natural to recognize that although we had 1 discussion about a topic, that it might take 2-3 conversations for them to process everything and make self driven decisions.
So despite our busy schedules and our rushed conversations, you might have to circle back to this conversation a few times. But don’t worry that your conversation wasn’t effective, it is-it’s planting seeds for them too think about. And each time you circle back, you might give them more to think about and process, so they can come to their own empowered solution.
In Conclusion
The best way to help Senior citizens navigate aging, health and change is to keep them in the drivers seat, engaging their mind to think through solutions that would work for them.
If you’ve found this helpful at all, please make sure to follow us on social media. Where we post often about navigating aging and change with Senior Citizens.
Lastly, we want to help more adult children create partnerships with their parents as they age, rather than increasing tension. So please feel free to share this with a friend or two. That way, together, we can all try to create more empowered Senior Citizens.
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